Tips while searching for a good Muslim spouse on Matrimonial Websites

From www.EternalGarment.com

In our humble opinion, below are a few pieces of advice to keep in mind, that will insha’Allah be beneficial while you seek a good compatible spouse for a successful and happy marriage…

1. First and foremost, constantly make sincere du’a to Allah (swt) for a good spouse who will be the best for you for this world, and for the hereafter. Our Prophet (saw) advised us that we look for spouses who have piety and good character above everything else.

2. Always be honest with the prospective match you communicate with. Deceiving others with lies might get you far into a relationship, might even get you married. But a marriage based on the foundation of dishonesty will never prosper! So please always be 100% honest.

3. If any member ever asks you for money, or acts in a disrespectful and/or abusive way, please report that member to the website authority as an “Abusive Member”.

4. Put up a picture of yourself. Profiles with pictures will always get much more attention! Feel free to password-protect your pictures if you have that option. This way, you control exactly which member(s) can view your pictures.

5. Login to the website frequently, and respond to interested members quickly. If you take too long to respond, you would appear not interested, and interested members will move on to other prospects.

6. Be respectful and polite as you communicate. DONT come across as too aggressive, flirtatious, or too needy! Be humble, yet maintain self-respect and dignity.

7. Be realistic as you search for a spouse. Nobody is perfect, so don’t expect your spouse to be perfect in every way. As humans we are bound to have strengths, and some weaknesses that we can improve upon. So prioritize what is absolutely important to you without asking too much.

8. As you are getting to know one another, consider discussing the following:

a. Discuss your spiritual and religious beliefs and goals. What are your views on music, hijab, zabiha meat, following a certain madhab (school of thought), etc? Discussing these issues ahead of time will help determine your religious compatibility and minimize major conflicts in future.

b. Clarify future role expectations. It’s important to talk about the roles and responsibilities of each partner in marriage – For example, who will take care of the finances, chores, etc? Discussing roles early on will save you from numerous arguments in the future.

c. Identify any family of origin issues. Don’t assume your spouse will see things exactly as you do, because you may have had different cultural upbringings. Explore topics such as (respect and influence of your parents in your marriage, joint families, raising kids, etc) to better comprehend and agree upon certain cultural expectations.

d. Discuss communication and conflict resolution skills. Couples that communicate effectively can resolve conflicts more gracefully. This will enable you to spend less time arguing and more time resolving.

e. Develop personal, couple, and family goals. You are committing to share a life with someone. Isn’t it important to discuss what you want your future to look like together? Where do you want to be in 3, 5, or 10 years? How many children do you want to have? When do you want to go for Hajj? Outlining a plan for life can be a wonderful way to learn about each other.

f. If at all possible, consider seeking “Pre-Marital Counseling”. For those that don’t have easy access to a muslim counselor, we found: pre-marital counseling

9. If you are previously married, then realize that your ex-spouse may also be a member on the matrimonial website. In that case, please be extra mindful and respectful of them, and DONT contact them or speak bad of them to others!

10. If you have been previously married and looking for re-marriage, (if you haven’t already done so), we encourage you to reflect upon your past marriage/relationship, and carefully analyze what mistakes you may have made, what you could have done better, and what improvements you will insha’Allah make next time. Discuss these topics with prospective matches to find proper compatibility.

11. When creating your profile, put useful information in the “About Me” section, and “What I am Seeking” sections. Those are the two most important sections that prospective matches will read.

12. When filling up the “About Me” section:

a. Try to be creative to catch the reader’s attention, and don’t hesitate to display your individual style. Don’t write a short boring line or two that looks typical. Be different. Be Yourself.

b. Present a comprehensive image of what you are all about, and highlight 3-5 of your good characteristics. Especially mention some things about yourself that may be unique.

c. Feel free to mention 1 or 2 of your weaknesses (if any) that you are trying to improve upon. It shows humility, and it also helps to present a true image of oneself, instead of painting a fake unrealistic picture.

13. When filling up the “What I am Seeking” Section:

a. Again be creative, and gain the attention of the reader by your unique personal style.

b. List 2 or 3 things that you would definitely like in a prospective spouse (“the must-haves???).

c. Feel free to also list a few things that are nice-to-have, but not an absolute must.

d. When you eventually communicate with prospective matches, be very honest about the qualities/traits that you would like to avoid.

14. Consider taking the “Myers Briggs Personality Test” located at: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp.

a. It may appear somewhat silly and useless, but amazingly, it might reveal things about yourself that you never realized. Click the following link to understand what your personality type reveals

b. More importantly, based on what personality type you have, you may find suggestions about which personality type(s) will be a good match/complement for you. Feel free to ask a prospective match to take the Myers Briggs test as well, if they haven’t already done so. In our opinion, it is extremely beneficial and insightful. So please do take the test.

c. Very detailed info on Meyers-Briggs personality test here.

15. Finally, please ‘Spread the Word’ about our website www.EternalGarment.com to other friends, family, and community members. Please help us get the word out about this very needed and beneficial service to the entire Muslim ummah. Jazak’ Allahu Khairan.
Feel free to LIKE our Facebook Page.
Please also follow us on Twitter @egarment.

We hope and pray that the above few pieces of advice will be useful to you as you seek your life partner (on a matrimonial website), who will insha’Allah be the coolness of your eyes… Ameen. Till next time, Salaam Alaykum.

General Tips for a Muslim Wedding

Samana Siddiqui, SoundVision Foundation, Bridgeview, Illinois

There are plenty of things to consider in wedding planning and arrangement. These are a few things which are either unknown or forgotten:

1. Invite the poor

According to one Hadith, the worst meal is the feast of a Walima in which rich people are invited and poor people are left out.

Don’t let your Walima be a class-based affair. Make sure that all guests are welcome, regardless of their economic situation.

2. Invite a multiethnic audience

Make your wedding party more representative of the Ummah (the worldwide Muslim community) by inviting Muslims of different ethnic backgrounds, whether it’s the local Imam and his family who are Turkish, the African-American Muslima who accepted Islam recently or the Lebanese family in your neighborhood.

3. Practice gender privacy at your wedding

This means providing women-only space where sisters who observe different levels and types of Hijab feel comfortable.

Most sisters like to dress up for a wedding, but they want to enjoy themselves without being watched by strange men. Also remember that your other guests have nothing to lose with this kind of set up so in the end, providing for women-only space works out for the best for everyone.

There are different ways to accommodate women-only space in a hall.

You can have separate rooms for men and women. This is the ideal solution for maximum privacy.
You can have a room in which there is a curtain or a row of tall plants.
In larger halls, you can make two distinct areas.
If your family tradition is not to have weddings arranged in this way, consider this: you will Insha Allah (if Allah wills) receive Allah’s blessings if you do so for seeking to accommodate your guests and trying to observe an Islamic practice which has been in place for about 1400 years.

In programs where women-only space is provided, children need to be divided up between parents. Older boys should stay with their dads. Older girls stay with mom. Young girls who are toilet trained can also go with dad.

It should also be remembered that professional photographers can violate the privacy of individuals by taking photos or videos without their consent. If you are taking photos or videos make sure not to include non-relatives or those who do not want their picture taken.

4. Set up a hospitality line

This is a line of hosts who will welcome guests when they arrive at the wedding.

Those who will be included in the hospitality line need to be told in advance that they will be part of it. They should not be told once they reach the hall for the wedding.

5. Have the hosts make rounds during dinner

When guests are digging into dinner, hosts should go around, making sure everyone has what they need and inviting those who are finished to take more.

6. Set the stage

It should be decided by the hall committee who will sit on stage at the wedding and exactly where. This has to be done carefully. The feelings of relatives and close family friends are important to consider when making decisions about this.

7. Make sure to set up a gift table

Where are you going to put all those goodies? Set up a specific gift table near the stage with a sign saying “Please put gifts here. Thank you.”

8. Mind the bathrooms

Take into account how many guests are coming and see if the washrooms at the hall are big enough. If it’s a large gathering, request hall administrators to have a cleaning person come in every half hour or so to clean up quickly in between.

Also, if one of the prayers occurs during the wedding, that means the washrooms will be used for Wudu (ablution before prayer). Ask the hall administrators to accommodate this by providing extra paper towels.

9. Avoid making unnecessary announcements

Avoid making unnecessary announcements of any sort during the program and keep the microphone close by so children do not mess around with it.

How to Make Your Wife Happy

By Sheikh Mohammed Abdelhaleem Hamed

(NOTE: To help strengthening the Muslim families and spread the teachings of Islam
in building families, the Muslim Students’ Association at the University of
Alberta prepared a extremely summarized translation for two books. The
books are Arabic by Sheikh Mohammad Abdelhaleem Hamed. An Egyptian scholar,
who graduated from the Islamic University of AlMadinah Al-Munawwarah in
Saudi Arabia. The two books are:

1- How to make your wife happy
2- How to make your husband happy

They exceed the traditional presentation of stating rights and duties to the ‘Adab (good
manners) and extend into application of these rights in daily life. The
following summary highlights mainly the responsibilities or examples of what
could or should be done. Every single item mentioned by the author is
supported by evidences from Qur’an, Sunnah or the actions of the companions,
but evidences are omitted in this translation.)

———————————————

1. Beautiful Reception

After returning from work, school, travel, or whatever has separated you:
* begin with a good greeting.
* Start with Assalamau ‘Aliaykum and a smile. Salam is a sunnah and a du’aa for her as well.
* Shake her hand and leave bad news for later!

2. Sweet Speech and Enchanting Invitations

* Choose words that are positive and avoid negative ones.
* Give her your attention when you speak of she speaks.
* Speak with clarity and repeat words if necessary until she understands.
* Call her with the nice names that she likes, e.g. my sweet-heart, honey, saaliha, etc.

3. Friendliness and Recreation

* Spend time talking together.
* Spread to her goods news.
* Remember your good memories together.

4. Games and Distractions

* Joking around & having a sense of humor.
* Playing and competing with each other in sports or whatever.
* Taking her to watch permissible (halal) types of entertainment.
* Avoiding prohibited (haram) things in your choices of entertainment.

5. Assistance in the Household

* Doing what you as an individual can/like to do that helps out, especially if she is sick or tired.
* The most important thing is making it obvious that he appreciates her hard work.

6. Consultation (Shurah)

* Specifically in family matters.
* Giving her the feeling that her opinion is important to you.
* Studying her opinion carefully.
* Be willing to change an opinion for hers if it is better.
* Thanking her for helping him with her opinions.

7. Visiting Others

* Choosing well raised people to build relations with. There is a great reward in visiting relatives and pious people. (Not in wasting time while visiting!)
* Pay attention to ensure Islamic manners during visits.
* Not forcing her to visit whom she does not feel comfortable with.

8. Conduct During Travel

* Offer a warm farewell and good advice.
* Ask her to pray for him.
* Ask pious relatives and friends to take care of the family in your absence.
* Give her enough money for what she might need.
* Try to stay in touch with her whether by phone, e-mail, letters, etc..
* Return as soon as possible.
* Bring her a gift!
* Avoid returning at an unexpected time or at night.
* Take her with you if possible.

9. Financial Support

* The husband needs to be generous within his financial capabilities. He should not be a miser with his money (nor wasteful).
* He gets rewards for all what he spends on her sustenance even for a small piece of bread that he feeds her by his hand (hadeith).
* He is strongly encouraged to give to her before she asks him.
10. Smelling Good and Physical Beautification

* Following the Sunnah in removing hair from the groin and underarms.
* Always being clean and neat.
* Put on perfume for her.

11. Intercourse

* It is obligatory to do it habitually if you have no excuse (sickness, etc.)
* Start with “Bismillah” and the authentic du’a.
* Enter into her in the proper place only (not the anus).
* Begin with foreplay including words of love.
* Continue until you have satisfied her desire.
* Relax and joke around afterwards.
* Avoid intercourse during the monthly period because it haram
* Do what you can to avoid damaging her level of Hiyaa (shyness and modesty) such as taking your clothes together instead of asking her to do it first while he is looking on.
* Avoid positions during intercourse that may harm her such as putting pressure on her chest and blocking her breath, especially if you are heavy.
* Choose suitable times for intercourse and be considerate as sometimes she maybe sick or exhausted.

12. Guarding Privacy

* Avoid disclosing private information such as bedroom secrets, her personal problems and other private matters.

13. Aiding in the Obedience to Allah

* Wake her up in the last third of the night to pray “Qiam-ul-Layl” (extra prayer done at night with long sujood and ruku’ua).
* Teach her what you know of the Qur’an and its tafseer.
* Teach her “Dhikr” (ways to remember Allah by the example of the prophet) in the morning and evening.
* Encourage her to spend money for the sake of Allah such as in a charity sale.
* Take her to Hajj and Umrah when you can afford to do so.

14. Showing Respect for her Family and Friends

* Take her to visit her family and relatives, especially her parents.
* Invite them to visit her and welcome them.
* Give them presents on special occasions.
* Help them when needed with money, effort, etc..
* Keep good relations with her family after her death if she dies first.
Also in this case the husband is encouraged to follow the sunnah and keep giving what she used to give in her life to her friends and family.

15. (Islamic) Training & Admonition

This includes
* The basics of Islam
* Her duties and rights
* Reading and writing
* Encouraging her to attend lessons and halaqahs
* Islamic rules (ahkam) related to women
* Buying Islamic books and tapes for the home library

16. Admirable Jealousy

* Ensure she is wearing proper hijab before leaving house.
* Restrict free mixing with non-mahram men.
* Avoiding excess jealousy. Examples of this are:
1- Analyzing every word and sentence she says and overloading her speech by meanings that she did not mean.
2- Preventing her from going out of the house when the reasons are just.
3- Preventing her from answering the phone.
4- etc.

17. Patience and Mildness

* Problems are expected in every marriage so this is normal. What is wrong is excessive responses and magnifying problems until a marital breakdown.
* Anger should be shown when she exceeds the boundaries of Allah SWT, by delaying prayers, backbiting, watching prohibited scenes on TV, etc..
* Forgive the mistakes she does to you (See item 18).
* How can you best correct her mistakes?
1- First, implicit and explicit advice several times.
2- Then by turning your back to her in bed (displaying your feelings). Note that this does not include leaving the bedroom to another room, leaving the house to another place, or not talking with her.
3- The last solution is lightly hitting (when allowable) her. (Zawaj.com Editor’s note: We do NOT agree with or endorse this particar suggestion. We are printing this article as it was written, however we believe that striking a woman is not an acceptable solution to problems. In fact, it contradicts all of the other advice offered in this article.) In this case, the hsuband should consider the following: – He should know that sunnah is to avoid beating as the Prophet PBUH never beat a woman or a servant. – He should do it only in extreme cases of disobedience, e.g. refusing intercourse without cause frequently, constantly not praying on time, leaving the house for long periods of time without permission nor refusing to tell him where she had been, etc.
– It should not be done except after having turned from her bed and discussing the matter with her as mentioned in Qur’an.
– He should not hit her hard injuring her, or hit her on her face or on sensitive parts of her body.
– He should avoid shaming her such as by hitting her with a shoe, etc.

18. Pardoning and Appropriate Censure

* Accounting her only for larger mistakes.
* Forgive mistakes done to him but account her for mistakes done in Allah’s rights, e.g. delaying prayers, etc..
* Remember all the good she does whenever she makes a mistake.
* Remember that all humans err so try to find excuses for her such as maybe she is tired, sad, having her monthly cycle or that her commitment to Islam is growing.
* Avoid attacking her for the bad cooking of the food as the Prophet PBUH never blamed any of his wives for this. If he likes the food, he eats and if he doesn’t then he does not eat and does not comment.
* Before declaring her to be in error, try other indirect approaches that are more subtle than direct accusations.
* Escape from using insults and words that may hurt her feelings.
* When it becomes necessary to discuss a problem wait until you have privacy from others.
* Waiting until the anger has subsided a bit can help to keep a control on your words.

Finally, please make Du’a for the writer; Sheikh Mohammad Abdelhaleem Hamed,
for the translator brother Abu Talhah and for reviewer Br. Adam Qurashi. Remember this is not a perfect translation so forgive us our faults and correct our errors.